Vaginismus: Something we all need to know about.

"Sex makes the world go round" - was a famous quote once said by Madonna a couple of decades ago, and there's a lot of truth to that statement as well. We live in a generation now where there is endless sex. Every sentence we say can somehow be an innuendo, porn is everywhere, people are having sex on the first date. But what if sex wasn't possible for you?

We always see things posted about erectile dysfunction and other issues that men may have, but one thing that I don't see enough awareness about, and suffer from myself is a condition known as Vaginismus.

"Vaginismus is involuntary contraction of muscles around the opening of the vagina in women with no abnormalities in the genital organs. The tight muscle contraction makes sexual intercourse or any sexual activity that involves penetration painful or impossible."

That is the first paragraph you see if you search for the term Vaginismus on google. And yes, it is as horrible and life-shattering as it sounds.

Let's face it, we as humans are all very horny creatures, we get turned on, we want to get sexual with people. But imagine going through all of those sexual feelings and emotions but still not being able to physically have sex with someone.

I am in my 30's, I have had sex four times in my life, with four different people at different points in my life.

Can you imagine being someone who is always feeling horny or attracted to people but never being able to have sex with someone you're in love with? Can you imagine meeting a guy at a bar and having to explain to them when you first start dating or they want to go home with you that they 'can't have sex'? Let me tell you something, men see that as a challenge. I speak from experience when I say they think you're just playing hard to get and they'll somehow break you. And there is nothing more humiliating then having guys storm out of your flat because you couldn't give them sex, and men blocking you on social media or deleting traces of you because you weren't lying when you said they wouldn't get it in.

The causes of the condition vary, my cause is a mixture of a horrible traumatic event that happened to me in my late teens and also being completely unfamiliar with sexual activity, thus associating sex with pain in my brain. It wasn't until I was with an ex boyfriend at the age of 22 that I realized that I had such a horrible condition. I had 3 one night stands in the space of 2/3 months a few years before my ex, the first 2 were not so bad, however the last time the guy was very big and it was extremely painful, I'd also over the years spent more time thinking about my traumatic experience and being horrified by the idea of sex hurting me.

My ex was lovely, he was my first real long term boyfriend and we got on really well. But apart from his tongue (which obviously is way softer than anything else you'd use down there) we had no luck with anything, it was when he tried to insert one finger inside me and I squealed in pain that I realized I had a problem. We went to the GP to have tests done as I was terrified I had somehow caught some horrible disease from previous experiences or that something was just well,... wrong with me. Imagine my horror when doctors couldn't even insert anything inside me to do any tests!! It was only when we tried using diazepam an hour before at a later scheduled appointment that I had any luck. It was then that the Doctor advised me that my situation was psychological. The concept made absolutely no sense to me. Why is my brain stopping me from doing something I really want to do???

Me and my ex carried on dating a while, but unfortunately when a guy sits there with you when a doctor tells you its all in your head - they don't quite stay as lovely as you'd think, because the ideas then go in to his mind 'so if it's all in her head then it just means she doesn't want to have sex with me'. Sadly, my ex was not the first or the last boyfriend I had to have that conversation with me. A few years later I saw a counselor who gave me some exercises to perform with my next (ex) boyfriend. These consisted of me sitting on top of him and slowly lowering myself bit by bit on his penis until ideally, we'd get it all the way in. The timing was a bit off, because me and my then ex were going through a rough patch anyway and Id started to acknowledge I was suffering with anxiety and depression, so my libido was very off. And again, a break up happened, a spiteful comment was made about how 'frigid' I was and I moved on.

I have had so many encounters with men that have ended horribly because of my condition. Unfortunately, men are very sexual creatures. They use their penis as their brain a lot (this is not meant to be a rude gesture towards any men reading this, this is just something I've read up on and learnt from the men I have encountered). So it is very hard to find a guy who will sit there and go, 'That's a perfectly understandable situation to go through, I am here for you and I'll wait for you'

The above image is a pretty accurate description of how Vaginismus works. I will meet a guy, things will develop, and I can be extremely turned on by and attracted to this man. One thing leads to another, we get frisky, get our clothes off, but then as soon as it starts to divert towards the point where I know he is about to try and insert his penis, my brain panics. I can't control it. I've tried. 9 times out of 10 a guy will get as far as a tip getting somewhere but sometimes not even that happens. Vaginismus has also made me scared too, of dating anybody.

I have literally had a lot of men come home with me, whether it be after a couple of dates or because they're who I'm 'seeing' or I've just hooked up with them drunk, as you can imagine they don't stay very long. One guy even stormed out straight away when he knew he wasn't getting anywhere. Some guys have a slight bit more respect though, and they'll act all nice and understanding, cuddle me through the night, leave the next morning and then just never talk to me again that way.

I have had many horrible snappy comments made to me because of my condition. Even from people who 'loved me' because what I've noticed is, people genuinely do not understand it's a physical condition. People just assume that if you can't have sex with that guy you like, you're just frigid. Or unattracted to them.

But vaginismus is so much more complex than this. There needs to be more awareness of this condition, particularly amongst men.

Whenever I explain my condition to female friends, a lot of them haven't ever heard of the condition, but they understand that it's a genuine thing. If I ever try and explain to a man, it's like I'm talking to a wall. It's not the man's fault. They just have no idea what I'm talking about, and in a way, it's like a man explaining to a woman what a hard on is like, we don't understand it. We don't have penises. Men literally just look at sex as we have this hole between our legs that opens and they slide right in, a lot of men aren't taught that sometimes things happen to people. Things beyond their control.

The fourth time I had sex, the best time I had sex in my life, was not with a boyfriend. It was with a friend. It was a one night stand, however, my close friend knew my situation and understood how to approach the situation. He was very gentle with me, and somehow managed to not give up on me at the first attempt and proceeded to relax me and have intercourse. I'm not going to lie and say it didn't hurt. Of course it hurt, it was my first penetration in 10 years. But I could do it. As you can imagine, after this I got quite excited and thought 'Oh my god, I can have sex now! yes!' and tried again with someone else a few weeks later. The same problem occurred. They couldn't get it in. I've spent the last few years being back to square one again. Do I give up hope? Sometimes. But I also, would like to think that I will somehow overcome my condition.

But here is the thing people also need to understand: It is different for everyone.

Not everyone is going to overcome it as easily or in the same way as everyone else. It is a condition that is very real but it is also very personal. We develop it for different reasons. I've read many stories over the years, some people have had hypnotism and overcome it, some used vaginal dilating equipment, some just kept practicing inserting their finger in their vagina in the bathtub, some waited patiently for the right guy to come along and ease his way in, and some people like me, have not quite overcome it yet or found a 'cure'.

I wish there was more literature for men to understand what this is. But then I also wish that men would not see the condition as a 'challenge'. It's not one of those 'who can shag the girl going through the dry spell quickest' competitions. This is a genuine horrible experience for girls and women alike to experience. I still have to have diazepam medication whenever I have a smear test or any procedure that involves insertation in my vagina. I still delete dating apps every 2-3 weeks because I speak to one or two people but then remind myself that I don't want to put myself through a scenario again where I sit a guy down and try and explain to him without getting too personal what I'm experiencing and hoping that he will somehow understand and still want to date me, and maybe eventually we'll finally find a way to have sex.

There's a possibility that I may never be a mother because of what I'm going through. It makes me feel awkward whenever people at events ask me if I'm settled down yet or want to have kids because I honestly, do not know the answer to that. I can't wish for something I'm not sure I can have.

At the end of the day, there needs to be more familiarity then there is about Vaginismus. There needs to be more common knowledge of it. There just isn't enough. And then women are made to feel like they're worthless or unlovable because they can't perform a natural human activity.

Men: If you've read all of this post, fair play to you and please now that you've read this far take note that, if you are with someone going through this condition, please be patient and understanding with them, I know it is just as hard on you as it can be for them, but please, don't leave them and especially don't make them feel like they are a burden because of what they are going through - we hate it just as much as you do. Trust me.

You can find out more about Vaginismus on NHS websites or local health websites. The images in this post are thanks to Google images.

If you have any stories relating to Vaginismus or other sexual conditions affecting your lovelife that you want to share via this blog then please e-mail me at thedatingandlifeblog@gmail.com